At first glance, Sydney, Australia is a beautiful city but it has it’s share of dark secrets like GIANT SPIDERS!
It was midnight on a Wednesday.
In typical horror movie fashion, I was home alone. I was renting a room in a three-bedroom house in the western part of Sydney, Australia. On this particular night, my roommate was working late.
As I was turning off the light before crawling into bed, I noticed a dark spot on the ceiling directly above my bed. I flipped the lights back on to investigate. The dark spot was a MASSIVE spider. By MASSIVE, I mean it’s head was the size of my thumb and its’ body span was the size of my ENTIRE hand!! It was like a tarantula with longer legs. I stood there flipping the lights on and off repeatedly in hopes it was a mirage. But, it was very, very real!
Take a moment to Google “Huntsman spider.”
Now, that you’ve stopped screaming and picked your phone up off the floor, let’s continue with the story.
First of all, spiders should NOT be that big. I have never been afraid of spiders. When they reach a certain size that rivals width of my shoe…well, things change.
There was ABSOLUTELY no question that the giant spider had to die for several reasons:
1) Australian spiders are known to be very poisonous and deadly.
2) There was no way I was sleeping in the same room as him.
3) He doesn’t pay rent. Damn, freeloader!
My reaction to the spider was the same as the entry way to Luna Park in North Sydney.
Problem # 1: My room has 12-foot high ceilings.
First, I moved my bed and anything he could hide under out of the way or into the hall. (Did I mention he was directly above my pillow? AHHH!) To prepare for the battle, I put on the thickest shoes I owned, tucked my pajama pants into my socks and put on a long sleeve shirt to cover my skin in case he fell on me.
Instinctively, I ran to grab the broom, a shovel and the vacuum. (The shovel seemed like a good tool to use to decapitate him.)
Then, as any self-respecting 26-year-old would do, I called my parents to discuss my strategy. (It was the middle of the day in South Carolina so they were clearly awake.) Parents are supposed to know how to deal with these things. After clarifying the massive size of the spider to my dad repeatedly, he helped me concoct a plan. His exact words: “Go ahead and vacuum him. Then, call me back.”
Problem # 2: The vacuum doesn’t have a long hose attachment.
Again, the ceiling is 12-feet tall. My Macgyver instinct kicked it. To maximize my distance from said spider, I taped the broom handle to the vacuum hose with the roll of mailing tape. Hitting him with a broom or even the shovel would be messy (i.e. spider blood on the white paint, holes in the wall, etc.) The vacuum was my only hope. I just prayed it was strong enough.
Problem # 3: The vacuum hose is too short to reach the ceiling.
I put the vacuum on one chair and stood on another chair in order execute my plan. Both chairs are as far away from the spider as possible. I round up every bit of courage in my body and poke him with the end of the vacuum using my DIY broom-hose attachment. He scurries to the right. I scream and almost fall off the chair. Then, I intercept him. He puts up a fight, but he is no match for the power of the vacuum! (There was a moment where I was seriously concerned he was too big to vacuum.)
I step down from the chair and put the vacuum on the floor. My heart is pounding. The vacuum is still running at this point because I’m scared that when I turn it off he will try to run out of the hose. Or what if he multiplied like those Gremlin things from that ‘80’s movie? I busted out my Jackie Chan ninja skills to quickly tape a plastic bag over the end of the hose as soon as I hit the off switch. The bag looks a bit thin so I quickly grab a thicker bag and tape it over the hose with lightening speed.
Then, I lock the vacuum in the closet in the spare room and proceed to check my entire room for the spider’s friends and relatives.
Anna – 1
Giant Spider – 0
Now, I’m terrified to go to sleep. What if he comes back for revenge? I feel like spiders are crawling all over me. There is a vent near where the spider was on the ceiling. I rip off the back of a magazine and tape it over the vent so none of his freeloading friends can come visit.
I text my roommate to explain that there is a giant spider living in the vacuum in the spare room. Then, I call my dad back to let him know that I’m alive.
Since it’s clear, I won’t ever be sleeping again. I sat down to type this email.
This, my friends, is how you defeat a giant Australian spider.
(Update: The vacuum stayed tapped up in the spare room until I moved out a few months later. Initially, I thought the spider was a deadly funnel web but later found out the spider was a Huntsman, which is not poisonous. Ironically, after spending the next five summers in Asia, I became very Buddhist and started catching small spiders and taking them outside instead of killing them.)
_______________________________________________________
COMING UP:
4 Ways to Survive Tough Travel Days
There are bad days on the road just like there are at home. The good days are glorious. And, the bad days are, well, tough. I’ll share some of my hilarious travel mishaps and offer tips to help you deal with the less than glorious days.
